Holiday reset

At long last the end of holidays is near. Tonight is the final gift exchange my family will have and I can’t wait until it is over. This year was very exciting for me because it was the first year since Eric and I have split up that I had the kids wake up with me on Christmas day. Happily I was able to get Liana an American Girl Doll which she has begged for, prayed for and tried everything under the sun for the last few years. Kevin asked for only one thing and I was able to get that for him. Zachary didn’t want anything except a new guitar, which his dad got for him, so hopefully the things I did get him made him happy. The younger kids were very funny and woke up about 4:00 in the morning. I told them they could get their stockings but they were NOT allowed to wake the rest of us up until 6:30. After all I was up with Jeff until 1:30 in the morning because he spent all day in the garage custom building a cradle for Liana’s doll and a rack for Kevin’s fishing polls. At about 5:00 Liana crawled into bed with me and about the time we fell back to sleep Kevin came busting in begging us to get up because it was CHRISTMAS!!!!!

So we got up.

I had the kids help make cinnamon rolls and coffee while everyone else woke up and finally we opened gifts. It was a lot of fun and we found ways to drag it out so it wasn’t over in just a couple of minutes. In fact the kids dad called them and they were still busy unwrapping.

After breakfast the kids had to go back to their dads and I headed off to the airport. My friend Andie bought me a plane ticket to come spend a long weekend with her. Originally I was to fly down and drive back with her to NY, but plans changed and I flew in and out. It was wonderful. The weather was in the 80’s everyday, the sky blue and the wind warm. The nice thing about Andie and I is that we have fun no matter what we are doing. We drove around and saw points of interest in her area and we laughed so hard. Friday we went to the beach and walked in the water. Then we took this boat tour of the gulf and saw movie star homes but the really cool thing was the dolphins that swam with our boat. Saturday we went to a flea market that is the size of 2 ½ football fields. It was cool and I got some nice gifts for everyone. Later that night we went on a dinner cruise and that was fun.

Sunday morning I had to leave her house at 4:00 in the morning and catch a 6am flight to JFK. I got stopped at security and they rifled through one of my bags. Andie had sent gifts home for everyone and inside of them were these cute little “Florida Snowmen” that contained unidentifiable liquid. They took them all but one. In the process they ripped the bags the gifts were in and had my underclothes laying out on the table. The rest of the trip was uneventful I until I got to JFK. I found the terminal printed on my boarding pass and was confused because it listed another flight. I asked the guy there and he told me my ticket had been printed wrong and I should run because the flight to Buffalo was boarding. I ran to the other side of the airport only to find out that the flight was delayed due to high winds knocking out power to the airport in Buffalo. So I waited. They kept delaying the flight by 15 minutes. Finally at 2:15 they announced the flight was canceled and we should go to customer service for redirect.

Once it was my turn the guy told me I had two options. I could try for the last flight to Buffalo for the day, which was booked and had 20 people on standby or I could try for the morning. I asked him about Rochester and he asked me if I could run. There was one last flight to Rochester and it was boarding right then. And it was at the other end of the airport. So I ran. On my way to the terminal I called Jeff and asked him if he could pick me up.

Everything was going great until we neared Rochester. Then the winds picked up. I felt the plane swaying from side to side. As we tried to land we missed and had to circle around and try again. The plane was going up and down just like a rollercoaster as well as going side to side. I thought for sure as we neared the runway one of the wings was going to hit. Had I eaten anything for breakfast or lunch I am sure I would have lost it. When we landed the plane erupted in applause just like on the movies. My hands were shaking so hard and my heart was thumping in my chest. As soon as they told us it was ok to use cell phones I called Jeff who immediately told me he watched my plane land and he “thought I was a goner.” He said the plane was sideways in the air as it landed. He told me he was afraid I wouldn’t make it. I laughed and told him if he thought he was scared he should have been on the plane.

All ended well and looking back it doesn’t seem as bad as it did when I was on the plane and it doesn’t dim the exciting time I had in Florida. I would get back on the plane today and fly back down. I’m so grateful to Andie for giving me a much needed vacation. I feel like my reset button was hit and life is good again.

I am looking forward to the new year and everything it brings. My one big resolution this year is to get healthy. I will do it this year and I will not get in my own way!!!

Relationships....agggg

I’ve shared with those close to me about my current relationship. Actually I’ve shared about my current and about my past relationships. I was married to the person I believe to be that one person, my soul mate, my other half. I loved him more deeply than I can even explain. Our love often times was not healthy and was no good for either one of us. But when we had it right we really had it right. That being said eventually we ended things and moved on. Then I met Jeff. Jeff who was so very different than those I dated in the past. Jeff who has made me realize things about myself and respect myself and really grow into who I am today. I love Jeff. Jeff and I have had our share of problems. Most of them stem from him admitting to me that I am not “the one” and that I probably will never be the one. He never says these things meanly or to hurt my feelings, in fact he is probably trying to spare my feelings. At one point I left him and decided I would find someone that wanted to eventually get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I left him for a while, but it really didn’t work out with us being apart. We always ended up back together. So I decided to look at the situation honestly. Did I really need to get married right away? I mean I legally am still married. Or was I ok just being with him until either one of us figured it out. So we have been cohabitating since March. Things have pretty much stayed the same.

Jeff called me last week and told me he was going to take the rest of the afternoon off of work and he was going to go pick up lunch and bring it to my office. When he went to get back in his car after picking up lunch it wouldn’t start. He walked to my office and took the van and I could tell his mood was deteriorating. His new plan was to work on the car this afternoon. He just called me and he was ranting about what was going wrong and I felt my heart swell with love for this man who is so determined to fix everything himself and who has a heart of gold, so I asked him if he ever had one of those moments when it was probably the most inappropriate time and he just knew he was head over heals in love with someone, more than words could describe.

He said no.

I wasn’t actually looking for him to answer, I was trying to confess that I was having one of those moments. I quickly ended the conversation and I’ve felt myself questioning everything again since then. He had to go away this past week to Atlanta and the whole time he was away I felt myself missing him and waiting for his return. Friday night before I saw him I had something happen at work that really depressed me and by the time I saw him I was upset and he wasn’t understanding why. It wasn’t a good night. Saturday my childhood friend took me to Buffalo to a nice restaurant for my birthday then we Christmas shopped. On our way home I called Jeff and he said he was taking me to the bowling alley so hurry up. When I got home he was asleep on the couch. I woke him up and could tell how tired he was so I suggested we stay home. He was ok with it until an hour later when he went to pick his daughter up at work. When they got home he bit my head off for not wanting to go. I told him that was fine I would like to go and went upstairs to change. When I came back down he told me he wasn’t going anywhere.

At that point I had had enough. I changed back into my pj’s and poured myself a glass of wine. He went to bed and I wasn’t that far behind him.

Sunday, my actual birthday he told me he would make me breakfast as soon as he took his daughter to work. An hour and a half later he came back and I started the bacon as he quickly wrapped the gifts he bought while he was gone. When he came back into the room he insisted I unwrap them. My boyfriend of almost 4 years got me a pair of slipper socks. He told me he got them in case my feet get cold. He also got me a set of wine glasses which he filled with cherry candies. I was disappointed. Everyone knows I wanted something that spoke commitment. I did do a good job though by not telling him that I’m the only one in the house that is never cold. That I walk behind everyone and turn the heater down. I also didn’t tell him that anything cherry makes me sick. All day long I tried not to be selfish and think of how at this point in our relationship he should know more about me and it should be going places it probably never will. I really struggled with it.

Today I’m feeling much better. I understand again that our relationship is what it is. I am grateful for every moment I have with him and I will continue to be happy as long as I have him in my life. If it comes to the point where we want to go our separate ways I will deal with that then.

I’m a firm believer we get the love we believe we deserve, the problem is I believe I deserve the whole thing. The guy that loves me and wants to be with me, the one that is honest and faithful, the one that wants only me, that loves my children. Yet I feel that time and time again I choose the one that is only part of this. One that either cheats and commits, or the one that is honest but doesn’t want forever. Why can’t I get this right? I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. My friend says that if he is unwilling to commit then it is his problem not mine, but it is my problem because I want him to commit. AGGG it’s a crazy circle that drives me nuts.

Tonight I commit to going home and not dwelling on this nonsense. I will just be and be happy with that.

Codependent Tendencies

I’ve been grumpy for the past few weeks. Grumpy to the point of knowing I’m grumpy but unable to stop it. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was grumpy until I started talking with a coworker about the last couple of weeks. My case load has been filled with tough cases and I’ve been taking all of them on personally. I haven’t been able to leave them at the door when I leave. I know I’m a codependent and know this is one of my characteristics but I try to work very hard at not letting it consume me.

The temperature has been dropping so low with wind that cuts through you and I’ve seen person after person that is homeless and even some that are living in tents outside of Canisteo. I had a woman that had her electric turned off then when she went to HEAP (Home Energy Assistance Program) they told her she was over the income guidelines (by $45) and turned her into child protective services. Now because she reached out for help she may loose her children. The food pantry is running low on food so we decreased our portions. Its just been one heart breaking story after another. I want to help them all but there are rules that we have to follow here and oftentimes our hands are tied. So then I go home and the kids are whining because I won’t rush them to walmart to spend the money I gave them for allowance. I’m struggling between trying to keep it all in perspective and teaching my kids how not to fall into the trap of poverty.

I say trap because I think often times it is a trap. I’m sure there have been studies done on such things, but my own personal opinion is that generation after generation builds families that accept poverty as a way of life. People are raised to believe that welfare is a career. They may not know any other way of life or how to get out of that way of life. The other type are those that have issues that happen to them, their partner walks out, someone got sick, the car broke down and the gas bill money went for repairs so they could get to work. They just get behind one time then it is difficult to get out of the flow. You are always struggling to catch up yet find yourself getting further and further behind.

I am feeling so guilty about the shopping trip I have planned for the weekend with my childhood friend. We are going to an expensive restaurant and shopping and I’m feeling like I shouldn’t do that when there are so many people suffering. On the flip side I guess I could reason that I work very hard and I deserve to have a day or fun with my friends. I just don’t know if I can talk myself into it or not.

I love it when I help someone and I’m the link between someone getting their utilities turned off and keeping the heat on, or when keeping them in their home, but the ones I can’t help with that are getting under my skin. These are the ones that are keeping me awake at night. I’m sure I’ll figure out how to balance it all, but right now I’m tired from worrying abut the little ones. That’s really what it boils down to. I worry about the children. The kids of the woman with no heat, the kids of the family in the tent, those are the faces I see when I try to sleep.

Jerky

Jeff usually makes venison jerky. This year was no different. The children, who love beef jerky, were pestering Jeff daily to get the jerky going. He was afraid of a hostile take over so he gave in and made it. As usual it was great. A little to spicy for my taste, but good none the less and the kids loved it. The problem is there are a lot of people in my family and every one wants to eat and eat the jerky. The kids like to take it to school for snack or after school to eat before their sporting event. I’m glad they eat it and would prefer that to unhealthy snacks, but it gets expensive. Even when we don’t have the venison jerky we buy a lot of the beef jerky.

While I was grocery shopping I came upon some London broil that was buy 1 get 1 free. I got to thinking that if I bought those I could make my own jerky. So that’s what I did. I bought 2 of the broils and I told Kevin he could cut one up and make his own jerky with his own seasoning. He did a great job and it has just the right amount of spice and smoke flavor. I did the second broil and marinated it in bbq and other things. Not the best jerky I’ve ever had, but close (hehe).

The whole experience of cutting the deer up, processing it, of making jerky has made me realize how dependant on processed food and how good it felt to actually be doing some of the work myself. I grew a small garden this year and plan to expand on it in the spring. Hopefully I can find more ways to be less dependant on everyone and everything else.

The last few day’s have been very busy at work. I’ve been struggling to find enough time to get everything done before I leave for the day. I much prefer that to being bored.

My niece Shayna is still staying with me. Its been going very well. I feel kind of bad for her. She doesn’t know anyone in my area and she is far to shy to go out and meet anyone. There are several jobs I would like to hook her up with, but she’s so shy she won’t do it. I’m not sure how to get her to over come this. I haven’t even been able to get her to come to my work and volunteer due to her shyness. She just sits at the house and watches tv or plays with the kids when they are there. Oh well, we will continue to work on it.

Liana has shared with me that there is a girl in her class that is really mean to her. She doesn’t understand it. One day the girl wants to be her best friend and the next she hates her. The day’s she hates her she gets the other girls in the class to act the same way. I shared with Liana that this is how girls act in the 4th grade. In fact when I was in 4th grade the girls acted the same way. Really the only thing you can do is be yourself. If the girls don’t like you then that’s their problem. You can not change who you are to please other people. Also I shared with her how important it is not to hurt other people’s feelings. That sometimes other people are hurting inside and the only way they know how to make themselves feel better is to hurt someone else. That Liana should set the standard high for how she will react and respond to this kind of treatment. That it is ok to stand up for herself but it is not ok to deliberately hurt someone else’s feelings.

I don’t know if she understood or not, but I hope so.

I have found myself stressing about Christmas the last few days. I’m really worried how I’ll pull it all off. Usually I figure it out and we end up having a great Christmas, this year however I see nothing in site that I can do to work my magic. There is just no money to do like I want to. Not for profit work is very rewarding but not in the financial way. I always stress to my children about giving is better than receiving, and this year we are really going to be testing that.

I was given information today from another agency in town on people that they suspect as abusing the area pantries and trading the food or other support for drugs. One of the names they gave me is of a friend of mine. I have suspected for some time that she is addicted to prescribed pain pills, however I do know she has a legitimate reason for having them. I’m not sure what to do with this information. Part of me wants to call my friend and tell her that someone anonymously told me this or just leave it alone. I think she needs help, but just based on conversations I’ve had with her I don’t think anything I say will provoke her into getting any help. I don’t know what to do.

Oh well that’s it for tonight. Tomorrows another day…….