A new season of me

A couple of weeks ago (two to be exact) I went to the court house in Belmont and filed my divorce papers. This was something that took me a long time to do. I picked the uncontested paperwork a couple of years ago and slowly began working on it. There was much information to complete and it was overwhelming so I put it off. Somewhere in my move to Jeff’s house the paperwork got misplaced. Jeff was a great guy and picked up a new packet for me. I got a bottle of wine and sat down and completed the endless paperwork. Once I got my income tax return I took $400 and went and filed the paperwork.

I assumed it would be a one day process. When I arrived my hands shook and I had an energy I haven’t felt in years. I filed almost all of the information but learned it would actually be a two trip process. I actually had to serve Eric with the papers he was to sign and I had more papers to complete.

Eric did his part in just a couple of days and I did mine as well. The first opportunity I had to file the remaining papers was yesterday. As I was headed up the courthouse steps I couldn’t believe how many people were there. From the steps to the waiting room of the courtrooms people were everywhere.

I made my way up the long steps and announced who I was and what I wanted to the guard then took my turn at the metal detector. I was quickly called into the Supreme Court area where the woman reviewed my paperwork and had more for me to complete. She wasn’t overly friendly. Eric and I had an agreement concerning the divorce which he broke so I inquired about him paying for half of my debt and giving me part of his pension and support and those types of things. This was actually a big deal for me to ask about because I was always afraid to ask for what I deserved based on conversations I had had. Well the lady told me I could file an amendment but it would cost a lot of money and would take a long time. So I will be free from Eric and he will be free from me. I will be stuck with the debt he forced me to have and he will not have to pay me a penny for me working 3 jobs while he went to college and blah blah blah. But it will still be worth it for me to walk away with only the clothes on my back which is what I did.

I was surprised by reaction once I was finished. I was sad. Sad because I truly loved Eric with everything that I had at one time, and I was sad because I probably will never have that again. That may sound like a bad thing but there was a price I paid for that relationship. It was bad more than it was good. I was hurt so many times in so many unimaginable ways that the love I got was not worth the damage my self esteem and overall well being took. I was sad because I feel like I failed at my relationship perhaps if I had been a little stronger or something perhaps it would have worked out. I was sad because I loved being a wife. I am sad because I will no longer be anyone’s wife. I was sad because I spent so many of my years with Eric and even when I was apart from him I believed for a long time things would change and we would have ended up back together. I was sad because my actions were the final acceptance that that would not happen. I was just sad.

I cried the better part of the ride back to work even though I rationalized that it was silly and that I was actually doing the right thing, the thing I wanted. Then when I walked into my office the receptionist asked me if I was alright. As I told her that I was just a silly sentimental girl I started the water works again.

Last night I was in a funk all night. I can’t really explain it but I knew I wasn’t myself.

This morning I woke up as usual and got Jeff off to work and the kids off to school and as I was in the shower I realized I will soon be divorced. The process is out of my hands now and it will be finished soon. I realized that what I’ve looked forward to for the last couple of years will soon be a reality. That I no longer have to be afraid of midnight knocks on my door or waking up to slashed tires. I no longer have to put up with drunken phone calls and accusations. I realized that I am about to be divorced. That makes me happy.

The truth is I loved Eric. I loved him the only way I knew how. It wasn’t always right. He damaged me. With him I was no longer the girl I once way. He made me question every move I made until I was so afraid of failure that I didn’t want to move anymore. He made me think I wasn’t worthy enough to have the love I deserved. I’m sure I made him a lot of things also. It was a two way street. We were toxic for each other and apart we are much better. Better parents, better children, better employees, better people.

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I’ve done to date. But by doing so I am becoming who I want to be.

Sleepy

At my doctor’s request I had a sleep study done last night. It went kind of fast. I showed up at the hospital at 8:45, was directed up stairs to the lab. When I finally found the nurse she told me to change into my sleep clothes then meet her in the room across the hall. I did then she told me to sit in the chair and she proceeded to hook me up to all different kinds of things. Before she could do that she measured my head and marked it with a pen, which felt as if she were permanently etching into my scalp. I get all hooked up then she tucked me into bed. Literally. She had to hook all the wires up and told me not to move.

She explained that there was a camera mounted on the wall that would record all of my sleeping. That the wires all hooked to me would let her know when I was asleep, which side I slept on and when I dreamt.

I was anything but relaxed.

So I laid there and waited to fall asleep. And waited. Then my head got sore from the electrodes. Then the heat kicked on and I started to get hot. It was then that I realized the water I brought was on the other side of the room and out of reach. Then I rolled over. Then I rolled to the other side. Then I feel asleep. That lasted about half an hour. It really was the worst nights sleep I have gotten since the kids stopped waking me up at all hours for diaper changes and bottles. I’m not real sure how they can do an accurate study when you can’t sleep. I remember being jolted awake a couple of times in the night but I don’t remember why.

Today I am tired. Its all I can do not to fall asleep at my desk. My head hurts really badly from those things I had to sleep on. My neck hurts. I want a nap.