Am I happy?

My son Kevin is a boy through and through. Every thing he does revolves around the outdoors, animals, the Marines, fishing and things of that nature. Until recently he was adamant that he was going into the Marines right after high school. I’m sure most boys go through this stage, but with an active war going on you always hope in the back of your mind that this is just a child’s dream that he will grow out of. I always felt bad feeling that way because I was eternally grateful for other people’s children serving and protecting our freedoms, but didn’t want my son to do it. To compensate for my guilt I encouraged his wanting to go. (I know I’m a little nuts). Anyway… this has been a debate between his father and me for the last few years. His dad read an interesting article in Time magazine about the effect of war on kids Kevin’s age. I as of yet have been unable to read the article, but I think it spoke of kids acting as suicide bombers and things, and detailed one in particular. Kevin was really affected by the article. Since then when we talk about what he wants to do when he gets older he talks about being a fishing guide in Alaska or environmental conversationalist. He turned 12 this year and could not wait to take his hunter safety course so he could begin hunting. Unfortunately he got himself into some trouble at school around the time of the test and was unable to take it. Jeff was able to get a deer and asked Kevin if he wanted to help cut it up. Kevin was in his glory. I think he was more excited than he has ever been at Christmas. He finished all of his homework at school and was pacing back and forth in anticipation. Finally the time came. Jeff was very patient, more patient than I expected actually, and talked Kevin through everything he was doing. Kevin was so happy when it was his turn to cut the meat up. I kept telling him to be careful because the knife was sharp and I thought he would cut himself. Part of that was just joking but I was really concerned. Finally Kevin looked at me and told me I should go in the other room because even if I didn’t like it he was fine and was going to be a man.

So I left the boys to do their thing. Every once in a while I would pop my head back out and check on things or pretend that I had to get something in the kitchen and Kevin would give me that look that let me know how much fun he was having. He cut his own steak then cooked it. I have to admit that it might actually have been the best steak I’ve ever had. The only one that ever came close was at Sullivan’s in Chicago. But that might have only been the wine. As Kevin was headed up to the shower I saw a little bit of blood on his finger. I asked him if he cut himself and he told me it was none of my business and he was fine. I snuck a peek anyway and it was only a scratch.

At about 11:30 I went to bed and left Jeff to clean up his mess on his own. I’m still not sure what time he made it upstairs, but I do know he woke me several times with his snoring. I finally fell asleep and the dog woke me up at about 2:00 o’clock because he was sick. He was sicker than a dog (haha I just had to say that). I think he was possessed by some demon that made him vomit all over my bedroom floor for hours.

Liana was looking for something to pack for her snack this morning. Jamie, Jeff’s daughter, was packing some pretzels in a bag for her lunch. Liana saw them and asked me if she could have some. I told her of course she could. Jamie got mad and told me they were for her to eat before swim. I told Liana to choose something different. Then Jamie asked me if I was saving some fruit I had bought the night before for anything. I told her that my doctor told me to stop eating dinner and only eat two fruits in the evening. She proceeded to pack several into her lunch bag. At first I was pissed off. I mean Liana couldn’t have a handful of pretzels but she could wipe out more than half of the fruit to feed her annoying boyfriend? But then I realized I am actually the adult and its not that big of a deal. The mom part of me that wants things fair for my children tried to take over before I could put things into perspective. Tonight however I will be buying Liana her own pretzels and asking Jamie and everyone else to leave them for snack.

This morning I was thinking about all of this while I was getting ready for work, as well as my niece Shayna who is going through a difficult time with her mother. I was also wondering about people being happy. I mean Liana wasn’t unhappy about the pretzels. She was pissed that Jamie wouldn’t share them, but quickly got over it. Kevin was happy this morning because of his wonderful night. Jeff was not happy, but he doesn’t ever seem to be anymore. Shayna probably isn’t happy that she is homeless now and has to rely on other family members for support. I was wondering why I was feeling how I was. I was neither overly excited nor unhappy. I just was. I got to thinking that if you don’t think about if you are happy or not then you probably are. I mean how can you think you are unhappy if you don’t ask yourself that question? If you ask yourself every morning Am I happy today then you force yourself to answer either yes or no. If you don’t know the answer to that then you must evaluate everything going on and decide from that. I could have looked at the dog puking all over the place, Jamie being a meanie to Liana, Jeff being a grump and thought no I don’t think those things make me happy. But instead I just don’t ask myself am I happy or not. There for I AM HAPPY!!! I hope that makes sense to someone other than me.