Codependent Tendencies

I’ve been grumpy for the past few weeks. Grumpy to the point of knowing I’m grumpy but unable to stop it. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was grumpy until I started talking with a coworker about the last couple of weeks. My case load has been filled with tough cases and I’ve been taking all of them on personally. I haven’t been able to leave them at the door when I leave. I know I’m a codependent and know this is one of my characteristics but I try to work very hard at not letting it consume me.

The temperature has been dropping so low with wind that cuts through you and I’ve seen person after person that is homeless and even some that are living in tents outside of Canisteo. I had a woman that had her electric turned off then when she went to HEAP (Home Energy Assistance Program) they told her she was over the income guidelines (by $45) and turned her into child protective services. Now because she reached out for help she may loose her children. The food pantry is running low on food so we decreased our portions. Its just been one heart breaking story after another. I want to help them all but there are rules that we have to follow here and oftentimes our hands are tied. So then I go home and the kids are whining because I won’t rush them to walmart to spend the money I gave them for allowance. I’m struggling between trying to keep it all in perspective and teaching my kids how not to fall into the trap of poverty.

I say trap because I think often times it is a trap. I’m sure there have been studies done on such things, but my own personal opinion is that generation after generation builds families that accept poverty as a way of life. People are raised to believe that welfare is a career. They may not know any other way of life or how to get out of that way of life. The other type are those that have issues that happen to them, their partner walks out, someone got sick, the car broke down and the gas bill money went for repairs so they could get to work. They just get behind one time then it is difficult to get out of the flow. You are always struggling to catch up yet find yourself getting further and further behind.

I am feeling so guilty about the shopping trip I have planned for the weekend with my childhood friend. We are going to an expensive restaurant and shopping and I’m feeling like I shouldn’t do that when there are so many people suffering. On the flip side I guess I could reason that I work very hard and I deserve to have a day or fun with my friends. I just don’t know if I can talk myself into it or not.

I love it when I help someone and I’m the link between someone getting their utilities turned off and keeping the heat on, or when keeping them in their home, but the ones I can’t help with that are getting under my skin. These are the ones that are keeping me awake at night. I’m sure I’ll figure out how to balance it all, but right now I’m tired from worrying abut the little ones. That’s really what it boils down to. I worry about the children. The kids of the woman with no heat, the kids of the family in the tent, those are the faces I see when I try to sleep.