I’ve shared with those close to me about my current relationship. Actually I’ve shared about my current and about my past relationships. I was married to the person I believe to be that one person, my soul mate, my other half. I loved him more deeply than I can even explain. Our love often times was not healthy and was no good for either one of us. But when we had it right we really had it right. That being said eventually we ended things and moved on. Then I met Jeff. Jeff who was so very different than those I dated in the past. Jeff who has made me realize things about myself and respect myself and really grow into who I am today. I love Jeff. Jeff and I have had our share of problems. Most of them stem from him admitting to me that I am not “the one” and that I probably will never be the one. He never says these things meanly or to hurt my feelings, in fact he is probably trying to spare my feelings. At one point I left him and decided I would find someone that wanted to eventually get married and spend the rest of our lives together. I left him for a while, but it really didn’t work out with us being apart. We always ended up back together. So I decided to look at the situation honestly. Did I really need to get married right away? I mean I legally am still married. Or was I ok just being with him until either one of us figured it out. So we have been cohabitating since March. Things have pretty much stayed the same.
Jeff called me last week and told me he was going to take the rest of the afternoon off of work and he was going to go pick up lunch and bring it to my office. When he went to get back in his car after picking up lunch it wouldn’t start. He walked to my office and took the van and I could tell his mood was deteriorating. His new plan was to work on the car this afternoon. He just called me and he was ranting about what was going wrong and I felt my heart swell with love for this man who is so determined to fix everything himself and who has a heart of gold, so I asked him if he ever had one of those moments when it was probably the most inappropriate time and he just knew he was head over heals in love with someone, more than words could describe.
He said no.
I wasn’t actually looking for him to answer, I was trying to confess that I was having one of those moments. I quickly ended the conversation and I’ve felt myself questioning everything again since then. He had to go away this past week to Atlanta and the whole time he was away I felt myself missing him and waiting for his return. Friday night before I saw him I had something happen at work that really depressed me and by the time I saw him I was upset and he wasn’t understanding why. It wasn’t a good night. Saturday my childhood friend took me to Buffalo to a nice restaurant for my birthday then we Christmas shopped. On our way home I called Jeff and he said he was taking me to the bowling alley so hurry up. When I got home he was asleep on the couch. I woke him up and could tell how tired he was so I suggested we stay home. He was ok with it until an hour later when he went to pick his daughter up at work. When they got home he bit my head off for not wanting to go. I told him that was fine I would like to go and went upstairs to change. When I came back down he told me he wasn’t going anywhere.
At that point I had had enough. I changed back into my pj’s and poured myself a glass of wine. He went to bed and I wasn’t that far behind him.
Jeff called me last week and told me he was going to take the rest of the afternoon off of work and he was going to go pick up lunch and bring it to my office. When he went to get back in his car after picking up lunch it wouldn’t start. He walked to my office and took the van and I could tell his mood was deteriorating. His new plan was to work on the car this afternoon. He just called me and he was ranting about what was going wrong and I felt my heart swell with love for this man who is so determined to fix everything himself and who has a heart of gold, so I asked him if he ever had one of those moments when it was probably the most inappropriate time and he just knew he was head over heals in love with someone, more than words could describe.
He said no.
I wasn’t actually looking for him to answer, I was trying to confess that I was having one of those moments. I quickly ended the conversation and I’ve felt myself questioning everything again since then. He had to go away this past week to Atlanta and the whole time he was away I felt myself missing him and waiting for his return. Friday night before I saw him I had something happen at work that really depressed me and by the time I saw him I was upset and he wasn’t understanding why. It wasn’t a good night. Saturday my childhood friend took me to Buffalo to a nice restaurant for my birthday then we Christmas shopped. On our way home I called Jeff and he said he was taking me to the bowling alley so hurry up. When I got home he was asleep on the couch. I woke him up and could tell how tired he was so I suggested we stay home. He was ok with it until an hour later when he went to pick his daughter up at work. When they got home he bit my head off for not wanting to go. I told him that was fine I would like to go and went upstairs to change. When I came back down he told me he wasn’t going anywhere.
At that point I had had enough. I changed back into my pj’s and poured myself a glass of wine. He went to bed and I wasn’t that far behind him.
Sunday, my actual birthday he told me he would make me breakfast as soon as he took his daughter to work. An hour and a half later he came back and I started the bacon as he quickly wrapped the gifts he bought while he was gone. When he came back into the room he insisted I unwrap them. My boyfriend of almost 4 years got me a pair of slipper socks. He told me he got them in case my feet get cold. He also got me a set of wine glasses which he filled with cherry candies. I was disappointed. Everyone knows I wanted something that spoke commitment. I did do a good job though by not telling him that I’m the only one in the house that is never cold. That I walk behind everyone and turn the heater down. I also didn’t tell him that anything cherry makes me sick. All day long I tried not to be selfish and think of how at this point in our relationship he should know more about me and it should be going places it probably never will. I really struggled with it.
Today I’m feeling much better. I understand again that our relationship is what it is. I am grateful for every moment I have with him and I will continue to be happy as long as I have him in my life. If it comes to the point where we want to go our separate ways I will deal with that then.
I’m a firm believer we get the love we believe we deserve, the problem is I believe I deserve the whole thing. The guy that loves me and wants to be with me, the one that is honest and faithful, the one that wants only me, that loves my children. Yet I feel that time and time again I choose the one that is only part of this. One that either cheats and commits, or the one that is honest but doesn’t want forever. Why can’t I get this right? I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. My friend says that if he is unwilling to commit then it is his problem not mine, but it is my problem because I want him to commit. AGGG it’s a crazy circle that drives me nuts.
Tonight I commit to going home and not dwelling on this nonsense. I will just be and be happy with that.
2 comments:
Hi Bev,
I'm frustrated for you, but just think how far you have come in four years. If Jeff has been with you for four years, I would say that he probably loves you. It's the commitment part that he's having trouble with. The truth is that he has chosen to live with you and that makes you "the one" whether he wants to admit it to himself or not. Even without the marriage part, you are all a family now. The hard part is being patient with him. But I am glad that you love him so much. That must be wonderful. And I am also glad that he is a good man.
Hey, have a great Christmas!
Kate : )
Thank you for your support Kate. It helps to have someone give me the realitiy of it sometimes.
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